How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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