You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
