I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
