im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
