Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
