it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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