Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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