he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
