I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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