If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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