Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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