I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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