FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
