Don't make out with my wife yet
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
tell me about the eggs
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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