i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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