Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
