I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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