it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
