why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize