i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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