420 ftw
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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