He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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