i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
