just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
