Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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