I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
