he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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