Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
