I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize