break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
3 2 1 whiskey
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
