If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize