She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
