When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize