I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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