Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
