I just saw a hot homeless man
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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