It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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