how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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