i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize