Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
