No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
