"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
