Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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