Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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