I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
