Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize