I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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