Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
