I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
