i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
