this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
