Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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