I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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