Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i dont even know how to be here
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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