My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
