apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
