he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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