It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
