Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
