I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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