remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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