Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
