Can i not drive my cunt home
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
