the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
please come you make the beer taste better
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize