I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
