yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
