Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
