i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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