I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
