How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
