Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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