i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
