Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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