I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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