I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
